Just another day in paradise...
Lähetetty: 19.03.2006 11:11
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Following is not suitable for tender viewers..
Reader disgression is adviced..
--------------
Life.. there is this saying that all happy families are alike, but all unhappy ones are unique in their own way.
I guess I should feel drained, and battered emotionally.. But I don't. I'm actually rather hopeful that I made a difference - if only for a moment.
Oh well, now that I started, I guess I should give a bit more insight. My mother is a person, who when she feels miserable, she drinks, and then she takes it out on everybody in sight. That has always been her way, I can see it happen, before it happens she feels frayed and sharpedged like broken glass, when I hear/see her. She carries all the bitterness inside her, all the things that ever has happened to her.. and it overwhealms her.. and she lets the control go, and attacks in pain.
That happened tonight.. I wasn't suprised, she was so stingy today. I mean I was in the aquarium societies auction this afternoon.. Buying her fish, for her tank .. My sister gave up one of hers, and mother took it to their new house, and she needed the fish and some other stuff.
It is a sure sign of trouble, when she starts to count money like it is the most valuable thing in the world.. Like everybody wants to take advantage of her.. every euro, even cent counts.
She was angry at me... father had been a bit .. how would I say.. collecting loose points. He told her that I had lost the car key (I lost the other Skoda key the day I left Norway - probably it dropped from my keychain - can you ask for it? or if it is in the office otherwise) and now it was the biggest thing in the world. I should pay for it.. Like I wouldn't??
I don't tell her such stuff, before I have fixed them.. what is the point of getting the shouts, when it is just money.. I had already checked how much the new key was.. before I spoke to my father about it, so it was fixable and as such wasn't a big deal.. other than to her.
Anyway.. long fight short.. I hope I got her to see that being bitter and bringing old stuff up just doesn't help anything. I can come up with the similar stuff if I want to.. but I prefer to be forgive and go on in life.. with everybody.. Not just with her.. why bother to carry the baggage around.. when I can be happier without it.
She thinks she is too old to change, when she was crying for forgiveness against my shoulder. I said to her, that change in life is carried out one small decision (how to behave) at time. And being adult is about responsibility, emotional responsibility for ones actions... more than monetary responsibility as she sees it.
You know.. It wasn't even bad, it was like a catharsis.. I mean that is what my childhood was like..
Those fights, they happened 2-3 times a week, (and endless complaining from her).. and it got physical quite often.. she is really the worst bitch that I know of.. and I'm equal if I want to.
I can see the sore spots in people unconciously, what makes them tick, and stab there if I want to.. but what is the point? Winning is a Pyrric victory.. it is like a WW 3 if it happens.. what is left there to go on?
And the skill to hurt is really just a other side of empathy.. but used irresponsibly.
If you can see the weak spots, it is your responsibility not to use them destructively.. but to understand the other, and try to find a better solution.. build a bridge and not to go with the negative flow.
I'm not an angel, quite opposite.. I slapped her today, when she was shouting that "maybe we should handcuff her to the battery, like before.. that she had been looking them for us, so that we can do it again.."
I really can't ever remember handcuffing her (she blamed me that I had done it once to her with father).. when I was younger she used to come to my room drunk to threathen that she would hang herself.. at that time I wish I had had those handcuffs, (when I can remember just thinking that I have to go to see if she has done it in 5 minutes if she doesn't come back, and try to revive her with CPR).. *wry smile*.. but I guess it is possible, because she was and is so (self)destructive at times..
I have forgotten so much.. and I really don't even want to remember those times.
Kirsi (who was my ex-best friend) used to call me an old soul, and at times it feels that way.. that I'm so old.. too old for anybody and everybody. Like I've been through a hell, and death for so many times, that I just live one day at the time.. and I just wait until this sentence of life is over... trying to make the best of it and difference where I can.
My life's ethics aside..
When the fight was over, and we all had apologised one and other.. Mother didn't even remember that I had slapped her on the face..
I actually spoke about you to her.. I have a pic of you =)... from the jule bord.. My mother's opinion is that you are so young.. too young.. I just said that I will probably burn my wings, knowing how strongly I react, and my history of one-sided feelings .. but such is life. =)
We are close, much closer than families usually are..
Strange how Janus-like our life is.. when things are bad, they truly are bad, and just half an hour later.. it is like nothing has happened.. but it could flare up again, with the wrong word - not that it usually does these days.
Now I see those two as people who have made their own hell and they just can't see their own way out, not without some help... and I'm the only one they really listen. Well, they do listen my sister too, but she just doesn't have the patience. =/
And I've always been there, to solve their fights from the time when I was 6.
(Even 7 years ago.. when mother called me that father is threatning with a gun.. she called me, not my sister. It was the time when Mika refused to come to wait in the car.. we live and learn.. Never again I let a thing like that go by in my relationship. )
Family life... It used to feel so false, like the reality is the hellish war beneath that surfaced a few times in a week... and the family life is a big fake front. I used to be afraid to go to sleep, that I would wake up, and they were on each others throats, and I would be too late to do anything about it. Probably the reason why I still sleep so lightly, and I'm awake with the slightest sound. =/
Anyway I've felt for years and years like I'm my parent's parent.. and my mother is forever an teenager. It hurts me to see that, I can see so much of myself in her.. But on the other hand her example has taught me what I don't want to be..
Oh well, they say that it is the final thing in growing up-process.. see ones own parents as flawed. *wry smile*..
I forgive them, I have given up that bitterness and my life is better for it.
You know.. all in all.. I feel happy.. One thing solved positively, all in the days work.. =)
Don't think bad of them.. Niilo and I were friends for a long time, and when I had spoken too openly about my past.. he said to me that he didn't want to meet my parents, he didn't like the people they were.. But my parents are nice people, they just have their problems, but that is human.
One of the reasons why it was so hard for me to talk to you at all, why I don't want to talk about the pain I feel, I also heard from Niilo that when I had spoken about inner pain and anxiety.. he felt bad about it, and it was hard on him. *sighs*
Like I said, I do think I will be single for ever.. I've experienced too much, and as I believe in openness when it affects the situation, it is too hard on the potential man. I should keep more things inside to fit the mould of a woman, but I like the way I am.. I don't want to fake, nor do I want a person who accepts just a pretty surface. If people can't handle that life isn't just pretty and pink and all things fine, then I guess I'm not a person for them either.
My way or the highway.. =D
XX
(nimet muutettu viattomien suojelemiseksi.. just in case)
Following is not suitable for tender viewers..
Reader disgression is adviced..
--------------
Life.. there is this saying that all happy families are alike, but all unhappy ones are unique in their own way.
I guess I should feel drained, and battered emotionally.. But I don't. I'm actually rather hopeful that I made a difference - if only for a moment.
Oh well, now that I started, I guess I should give a bit more insight. My mother is a person, who when she feels miserable, she drinks, and then she takes it out on everybody in sight. That has always been her way, I can see it happen, before it happens she feels frayed and sharpedged like broken glass, when I hear/see her. She carries all the bitterness inside her, all the things that ever has happened to her.. and it overwhealms her.. and she lets the control go, and attacks in pain.
That happened tonight.. I wasn't suprised, she was so stingy today. I mean I was in the aquarium societies auction this afternoon.. Buying her fish, for her tank .. My sister gave up one of hers, and mother took it to their new house, and she needed the fish and some other stuff.
It is a sure sign of trouble, when she starts to count money like it is the most valuable thing in the world.. Like everybody wants to take advantage of her.. every euro, even cent counts.
She was angry at me... father had been a bit .. how would I say.. collecting loose points. He told her that I had lost the car key (I lost the other Skoda key the day I left Norway - probably it dropped from my keychain - can you ask for it? or if it is in the office otherwise) and now it was the biggest thing in the world. I should pay for it.. Like I wouldn't??
I don't tell her such stuff, before I have fixed them.. what is the point of getting the shouts, when it is just money.. I had already checked how much the new key was.. before I spoke to my father about it, so it was fixable and as such wasn't a big deal.. other than to her.
Anyway.. long fight short.. I hope I got her to see that being bitter and bringing old stuff up just doesn't help anything. I can come up with the similar stuff if I want to.. but I prefer to be forgive and go on in life.. with everybody.. Not just with her.. why bother to carry the baggage around.. when I can be happier without it.
She thinks she is too old to change, when she was crying for forgiveness against my shoulder. I said to her, that change in life is carried out one small decision (how to behave) at time. And being adult is about responsibility, emotional responsibility for ones actions... more than monetary responsibility as she sees it.
You know.. It wasn't even bad, it was like a catharsis.. I mean that is what my childhood was like..
Those fights, they happened 2-3 times a week, (and endless complaining from her).. and it got physical quite often.. she is really the worst bitch that I know of.. and I'm equal if I want to.
I can see the sore spots in people unconciously, what makes them tick, and stab there if I want to.. but what is the point? Winning is a Pyrric victory.. it is like a WW 3 if it happens.. what is left there to go on?
And the skill to hurt is really just a other side of empathy.. but used irresponsibly.
If you can see the weak spots, it is your responsibility not to use them destructively.. but to understand the other, and try to find a better solution.. build a bridge and not to go with the negative flow.
I'm not an angel, quite opposite.. I slapped her today, when she was shouting that "maybe we should handcuff her to the battery, like before.. that she had been looking them for us, so that we can do it again.."
I really can't ever remember handcuffing her (she blamed me that I had done it once to her with father).. when I was younger she used to come to my room drunk to threathen that she would hang herself.. at that time I wish I had had those handcuffs, (when I can remember just thinking that I have to go to see if she has done it in 5 minutes if she doesn't come back, and try to revive her with CPR).. *wry smile*.. but I guess it is possible, because she was and is so (self)destructive at times..
I have forgotten so much.. and I really don't even want to remember those times.
Kirsi (who was my ex-best friend) used to call me an old soul, and at times it feels that way.. that I'm so old.. too old for anybody and everybody. Like I've been through a hell, and death for so many times, that I just live one day at the time.. and I just wait until this sentence of life is over... trying to make the best of it and difference where I can.
My life's ethics aside..
When the fight was over, and we all had apologised one and other.. Mother didn't even remember that I had slapped her on the face..
I actually spoke about you to her.. I have a pic of you =)... from the jule bord.. My mother's opinion is that you are so young.. too young.. I just said that I will probably burn my wings, knowing how strongly I react, and my history of one-sided feelings .. but such is life. =)
We are close, much closer than families usually are..
Strange how Janus-like our life is.. when things are bad, they truly are bad, and just half an hour later.. it is like nothing has happened.. but it could flare up again, with the wrong word - not that it usually does these days.
Now I see those two as people who have made their own hell and they just can't see their own way out, not without some help... and I'm the only one they really listen. Well, they do listen my sister too, but she just doesn't have the patience. =/
And I've always been there, to solve their fights from the time when I was 6.
(Even 7 years ago.. when mother called me that father is threatning with a gun.. she called me, not my sister. It was the time when Mika refused to come to wait in the car.. we live and learn.. Never again I let a thing like that go by in my relationship. )
Family life... It used to feel so false, like the reality is the hellish war beneath that surfaced a few times in a week... and the family life is a big fake front. I used to be afraid to go to sleep, that I would wake up, and they were on each others throats, and I would be too late to do anything about it. Probably the reason why I still sleep so lightly, and I'm awake with the slightest sound. =/
Anyway I've felt for years and years like I'm my parent's parent.. and my mother is forever an teenager. It hurts me to see that, I can see so much of myself in her.. But on the other hand her example has taught me what I don't want to be..
Oh well, they say that it is the final thing in growing up-process.. see ones own parents as flawed. *wry smile*..
I forgive them, I have given up that bitterness and my life is better for it.
You know.. all in all.. I feel happy.. One thing solved positively, all in the days work.. =)
Don't think bad of them.. Niilo and I were friends for a long time, and when I had spoken too openly about my past.. he said to me that he didn't want to meet my parents, he didn't like the people they were.. But my parents are nice people, they just have their problems, but that is human.
One of the reasons why it was so hard for me to talk to you at all, why I don't want to talk about the pain I feel, I also heard from Niilo that when I had spoken about inner pain and anxiety.. he felt bad about it, and it was hard on him. *sighs*
Like I said, I do think I will be single for ever.. I've experienced too much, and as I believe in openness when it affects the situation, it is too hard on the potential man. I should keep more things inside to fit the mould of a woman, but I like the way I am.. I don't want to fake, nor do I want a person who accepts just a pretty surface. If people can't handle that life isn't just pretty and pink and all things fine, then I guess I'm not a person for them either.
My way or the highway.. =D
XX
(nimet muutettu viattomien suojelemiseksi.. just in case)